Cast of Characters

I don't understand how you could possibly cram more personalities into a single place than my building.
There is:
Parrot Man-the man who makes squawking sounds and occasionally mimics everything you say.
Bag Lady- her name is Barbara but her hair is always askew, and she's usually grumbling about something.
Fish eyes- a little old man who shuffles along, but his eyes are on the sides of his head.
the man who is a member of the Ministry of Funny Walks- nuff said
the Loud Couple- they speak SO loud, they YELL!, their phones are loud, their TV is loud, they are just LOUD.
and then there is my next door neighbor, Mamas Boy in the Richard Simmons shorts. He wears nothing but short shorts, and no shirt whenever he is in his apartment. The reason I know this is he will come get his newspaper, or his mail or whatever in the SAME SHORTS and no shirt, (ew).
My first interaction with him was when my husband, Odie and I had just moved in.
I was outside with Odie trying to get him to potty and I heard Mamas Boy's mom ask him who was outside. His ACTUAL quote was, " Some f*cking nosey neighbor", so my reaction to this was stunned of course but I quickly gathered myself to reply, "I'm walking my dog asshole, not trying to eavesdrop".
Fast forward to almost a year later. We don't bother him, he typically doesn't bother us. Just the occasional glare, but you can brush that off and go on with your life.
Except today.
I woke up, took a shower and got dressed. I was outside of my building with Odie and he was pacing around trying to go potty when Mama's Boy started walking up the driveway of the building from the grocery store.
And he was glaring, not just glaring, staring and hand to God if daggers could have come out of his eyes I'm pretty sure they would have.
So I asked him, "Do you have a problem, Good Morning!"
his reply, "why don't you put your f*cking dog on a leash"
"Uh, excuse me?"
"Put your f*cking dog on a leash"
"Up yours, have a nice day!"
"Up yours F*ck you!"
Now I could understand MAYBE is Odie was ominous, but come on LOOK at him:AND we're on the private property of the building, not meandering around the streets. It's the grassy courtyard area, no where near his window on the complete opposite side actually, AND everyone else does the same thing.
So I bring Odie inside and wake up hubby.
"you're gonna have to talk to the asshole next door"
"which one?"
"shorty mcshort pants"
"why what happened?"
So I recanted my side of the story.
Then I decided to be a big girl and handle it myself.
So I brushed my teeth, (never confront people with stinky breath) gathered my stuff for work and knocked on his door, and waited.
And knocked on his door, and waited.
And knocked on his door, and waited.
So I rang the bell.
All you could hear were the foot steps stomping down the hallway.
He throws the door open and says, "What?!"
"Did I do something to you, because I'm pretty sure we have been good neighbors thus far, we're quiet we don't bother you, so what is the problem?"
"Put your dog on a leash"
"It's private property, when we..." ( I never got to finish cuz he now gets in my face with his finger and all his hairy chestyness, blech)
"You started, you said 'yea, yea', blah blah blah, my business is my business no one needs to know my business"
"You were glaring at me, so I asked you, 'Do you have a problem, Good Morning' and you're being a little belligerent right now."
"I'm not blah blah blah, more cursing and I'll forget the incident if you forget it, my business is my business I don't need the whole building knowing my business."
"I'm not yelling, you are"
At this point, my husband comes out, still half a sleep to see what all the ruckus is about.
"Is everything ok" he says
Shorty gets up in his face now, "You want to go outside and fight now Mr Tough Guy husband"
...seriously? WTF?
"He was just asking if everything was ok, because you're screaming"
"whatever I'll forget the incident if you forget the incident"
and he walks back into his apartment leaving us there flabbergasted.
So hubby starts to go back inside, and I start leaving for work.
What a way to start the day!
I wonder if I can get one of the counselors from work to come and evaluate him and take him away to the funny farm...
Nah, then I wouldn't have anything to talk about.
(and BTW, he freaked Odie out so badly that he wouldn't pee outside, he ran for cover. Poor baby!)