January 13th
I had an inkling that something was different. So I ran out and bought a test. It came out faintly positive, so I spent the rest of the day wracked with worry. "Were we or weren't we", was the question that went over and over in my head. So I stopped by the store on my way home and bought another test. This one was digital and came out definitively YES. I was on the phone with Nick and he was excited. "I'm going to be a dad" he said, while I wrung my hands in worry over the fact that we didn't have a house yet, what were we going to do, I wanted my photography business to pick up more...
January 14th
Nick bought a few more tests to make sure before I made a doctors appointment.
I took one after I got home from work, but it said NO. This was a little confusing given the tests the day before, but I chalked it up to being early and maybe drinking too much water during the day. I told him I would take the other one early in the morning because that's when it was best, from what I had heard.
January 15th
I took the test, and it came out a resounding YES. I started to relax and be happy that we were. Making plans on who we would tell and when, and how. I was most excited to tell my sister. She's always loved kids, and my parents how happy they would be to finally be grandparents.
We had to go out that night, so I put my feelings on a shelf because it was way too early to tell anyone anyway, packed up my gear and went out. I was starting to feel a little moody, and very crampy. I kept reading that it was normal, so I took it as a good sign.
January 16th
We looked at a few houses, in our price range because we really wanted to be in a house when we had a baby. Our neighbors are cranky and I don't want to deal with having the floors banged on because an infant is crying.
We are still happy in our bubble, talking about baby names and plans on how to tell people and what we'll do.
January 17th
I went to the doctors to confirm the tests I took at home. But something is wrong. Their tests aren't coming up like mine did, but they are sending blood samples to the lab to get all the levels and we'll go from there. This is the part I hate, the waiting, the in between, the unknown. I started to get tense, and I could feel it tighten my stomach. I kept trying to relax, but I knew I wouldn't until I knew everything was alright. I mean, everything is usually alright, right?
January 18th
I anxiously waited for the time to call the doctor, to finally have some relief and know that we could continue planning.
But that didn't happen, my levels were low, it might not be viable. I called Nick, he was upset but not ever having to have been in this position, he didn't know what to do. I just wanted my mom, not the way I intended to break the news but I wanted her reassurance.
January 19th
Went back to the doctor to get more blood drawn, hopefully the levels would start to double. There was light at the end of the tunnel.
January 20th
I started spotting early in the day, before I could even call the doctor to get the results. By 12pm it was heavier and clotted, and I knew in my gut that it was over. I called the doctors office to let them know what was going on, and they had me come in. My levels went down according to the blood work they took the day before, so I was most likely having a miscarriage. I cried, she told me what to expect and I cried some more. I called Nick, he left work to be with me. We sat in bed, and I cried and apologized because I didn't know what else to say. I showed him the picture of the positive test, asked him what I should do with it. He wants me to save it, proof that we created life.
(I am writing this for my own sanity, to remember what happened and how quickly life can change)
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