Bye Bye Blogger!

So for some reason, Blogger locked down my blog and I literally cannot do anything except write a post.  I can't update anything and it's driving me insane.  SO I had to copy and paste every singe blog and move it over here.  So if you're actually still reading my online verbal vomit, feel free to follow me there :)

Baby Blues

When we moved into the house with our new baby, we had literally no heat, no idea what the fuck we were actually doing and no sense of anything ending with a pretty little bow in the near future.
I had bronchitis starting the day after I gave birth, so literally every time I coughed I peed my pants a little (a lot, shut up, YOU shove a kid through your "canal" and tell me how you feel a week after).

I began trying to unpack our boxes and lives and figure out some sort of system so I had some sort of sanity.

Since I was postpartum, everyone was treating me like I was made of glass but I didn't FEEL that way.  I felt like a goddamn mama bear and ready to fight for her space in this world.  I moved furniture up stairs when no one was home, did LOADS of laundry, and tried to pump my full breasts in order to feed my child.

But between, roofers and squirrel killers and various other sorts of contractors I tasked myself with handling...I really didn't have time to think of pumping.  Whenever Nate slept, I unpacked and cleaned more.  Whenever he was awake I prayed he would sleep.

I NEEDED to make this place workable so I COULD relax.  Most night I was so exhausted that I passed out before I even ate anything.  My exhaustion was insurmountable, and I felt like I was in quicksand just grasping at anything to feel normal.

Moving while having a newborn?  I do not recommend.

Because now, 2 plus years later I am filled with guilt that I didn't spend enough time bonding with my newborn son.  Not that he remembers but *I* do, and I feel terrible.  So terrible, in fact, that the thought of having giving him a sibling pains me.  I don't want to take anything away from him, any attention or time.  I feel like I already did that.  But I also want to give him siblings.  I'm so torn.

I fear that I'll be able to give whatever new child we bring into the world more time, attention and thoughtfulness than we did to Nate.  Will I be able to breast feed this time?  Maybe.  Will I want to? I don't know because I wasn't able to do it for Nate and I feel as though it won't be fair.

And I'm not getting any younger.  I'm getting closer to 40 as we speak, and I don't want to be the oldest mom at the class recital (although I'm fairly certain I'll be close to the oldest).  So we have to make this decision soon...

#mommyguilt

As I write this, my now 2 year old is home with my mom.  I'm fortunate(ish) to have a situation in which all the grandparents love us so much they pitch in and watch Nate so that we don't have to spend the money we don't have in order to make a living.
But with that, still comes the desire to either be at home with him or be able to send him to some sort of program to get stimulation.
In comes the mommy guilt.  Because working 40 hours a week, plus my photography business isn't enough.  I also have to cram something to do with him into every.single.week.
Minimum.
Yesterday I got home from work and proceeded to take him on a 4 mile bike ride (heh, haven't done that in a while and yes I passed out at 9 PM) so we could go to the park.
Tonight it's something else.
I don't know why I have this feeling of needing to fill his days with memorable things.  As my father has told me, he's going to be little for a little longer.  As in, I don't have to rush to give him every life experience in existence RIGHT NOW.
But I work so much, and feel as though I need to.  Or I'm being a bad parent.
I recently said this to another mom who has a son around Nate's age.  She just couldn't understand.  I just can't relax.  I need to constantly be doing something and making memories.  I truly am treating each day as though it will be our last, and I'm not entirely sure that it's healthy.  It is however my mind frame at the moment.
And honestly, with a kid as awesome as mine, who wouldn't want to spend every waking second with him?

*PS- I do intend on discussing #mommyguilt in more blogs, so stay tuned!

House update

In looking back I realize I haven't written in a long time.
I have failed to update anyone, who wasn't already in the know, about our crazy house escapades. 

here it is:

“Holy shit, what the hell have we gotten ourselves into”, I think to myself as I stand in our new living room full of boxes holding our newborn son.  I think I’m about to have a panic attack with the sheer anxiety of everything that happened all at once, but I need to focus on getting organized and taking care of my son.

Let me give you a short back story, as you are probably wondering how I ended up in a new house with a new baby on basically the same day.  

My husband Nick and I have been in contract with this house for 8 months because it was a short sale.  We had hoped to close prior to the birth of our first child to get settled and make the urgent (URGENT) fixes to the house before he was here.  Because the house was a short sale, everything took twice as long as it should have, and in the interim of us waiting my husband lost his job and had been unable to find a new one.  We had stalled our efforts into getting into the house because we weren’t sure we could afford it anymore.  

But, we already had money in, approximately 7,000 dollars to be exact which is not exactly chump change in this day and age and from what we were told we would lose it if we walked away.  My dad stepped in and helped us move forward and get the mortgage we would need, and we began the whole process in January and closed on March 4th.  

I gave birth to my son on March 6th.  The moving van was at our apartment on the 7th and I came home to this disaster area on the 8th.  

I woke up in cold sweats and dry heaving for the first few nights.

There is water damage in the kitchen, and we have to get the roof repaired ASAP.  The previous owner didn’t leave any oil in the tank so my mother in law hustled to get us an overnight delivery so we would have heat.  Nothing was clean, save for the kitchen, which again my mother in law scrubbed to death.  That fridge we thought was almond colored, well now we know it’s white.

It’s been nothing but hustle hustle hustle.  Three days after my son is born my parents bring over my dog who was staying with them.  Not exactly perfect timing, but I missed my old boy.  Eleven years young, and still a mama’s boy.  Just another thing to worry about now as we’re trying to sort and clean and get used to being new parents all at the same time.

Nick goes to work and leaves me home alone with our new baby for the first time 5 days after he’s born.  We don’t currently have cable, so no tv to make some kind of noise, no internet to distract me.  Just me, a newborn, an old dog...and what’s that sound?

SQUIRRELS!

First frantic call to the first name that pops up on my iphone, here was my conversation, “you can come to tomorrow?  you’re hired” and done.  Panicking thoughts and dreams of squirrels descending on the house while we sleep do not make me relax at all!

The savior, aka Lee the trapper comes bright and early the next day.  He checks out the situation and yep, we have squirrels living in the eaves above our great room.  Awesome.  Just what I always wanted, it also explains the holes in the ceiling in that room.  As Miss Piggy would say, Yippee Skippee.  

Lee says he can start eradication asap, and so he sets the traps.  I’m not too happy about the traps since it’s either kill the squirrels or catch them and drive something like 10 miles away, and this is how the majority of rodent killers do it.

So he begins, there only seems to be one opening in the roof and he sets his trap.  Oh God, what am I doing!

And it starts, in less then a week they are gone and we can focus on other things in the house besides the fear of squirrels eating my face at night.  
We hire a roofer and get the leak to stop so we can then fix the damage.  
And I try to bring some normalcy to my life.  
This is going to be a long and arduous journey.  
But we're thankful to the family and friends who have been laborers of love for us. 

Hot and bothered

I'm all in a fluster this morning.
I'm usually not too political here, but something I read really got me going and I felt the need to share.
I was reading a blog post about unpaid maternity leave and it left me aggravated.
Not only is it a disgrace that this country is one of the richest, but we treat our regular citizens as if they don't matter.
In a day and age where both parents need to work in order to try to make ends meet, a paid maternity leave would mean the difference between sacrificing pay to be at home with your child and potentially not being able to pay the bills.  Alternately, you go back to work the second  you pop that pesky kid out and miss out on bonding time you can never ever get back.
What congress and the house need to realize, and hopefully they know this already, children grow and change so fast.  Especially in the first year.
FMLA does nothing unless you work for a large corporation.  And big whoop (as my mom would say) it secures your job for 12 weeks.
When I was out on maternity leave, I had to use all my sick and vacation time roughly 8 weeks.  Eight weeks, that is all the time in the world I had to bond with my new baby.  To get used to this life changing being that entered my world.  
It's sad, and sadistic.
So I took it upon my self to write my local congresswoman, and call my senator.  It's easy and hopefully if more people do it, it will make a world of difference.
Don't sit on your hands about this, take charge!
Here is the bill
Here is how you contact your local congress person, call!

Be the change you want to see in the world.  I want to see people be more aggressive about making the changes we want.  We have a voice and we need to start using it.

Home Stretch? Yea, right

So we have been looking for houses for over a year.  Between being outbid, or just not loving what was in our price range, or hating realtors and having to find new ones...it's been an uphill battle.
We finally found the house.  
It was a short sale and everyone told us that it would take awhile, to be patient. 
Um, that's an understatement!
We placed the bid in JULY, we finally got approved in November...yes 4 months just to get the bank who owns the house to approve our bid.  
YAY!  

But that's not the hard part...nono.  
The hard part is fixing up the house to qualify for the mortgage, because the owner doesn't have to do diddly squat.  The hard part is getting the freaking mortgage so we can BUY the house.  

My husband, dad and grandpa all pitched in and knocked out the list we were given by our realtor in a weekend.  It then had to go through our banks inspection.
It passed!  WOO!
But now the bank that owns the house needs to do ANOTHER inspection of the property...you know because "we" took too long to get the mortgage...um what?  How could we get a mortgage prior to having approval for the sale!

In between all this we are dealing with the mortgage company trying to get it approved.  We had a preapproval, but the paperwork to get it approved is exponential.  Bank statements, letters to back things up, paystubs, documentation to prove what was on the bank statements was true...it's just EXHAUSTING.

I feel like Jonah Hill from 40 Year Old Virgin.  You know that scene where he's in the eBay store and JUST wants to buy the shoes.
Pretty much, yea that's how I feel.  I just want you give you some money and get this house...why are you making it so difficult?
So yea, right now we're at a standstill, I'm just waiting and waiting to see what else the bank needs from us to prove we make money...because the 50 pay stubs we provided and 7 months of bank statements wasn't quite enough.

Here is the clip if you're not familiar:
(Clip from 40 Year Old Virgin)
And here is the quote if you don't feel like watching the clip:

Ebay store customer: So, I guess I'll just give you some money, and you can give me these shoes and-

Trish: You know, I know it seems so strange--

Ebay store customer: Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.

Trish: Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but--

Ebay store customer: I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me. I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house so I can wear them.

New Year, New Me

Well, I would like to think so. Don't we all? Want to start off a new year with a new us and new goals. Most of which will fall by the wayside by next month. I for one want to continue on my track of being a more positive person. To stop letting others influence me so much and stop giving a rats a$$ what they think. If I'm happy, that's all they should worry about. The same for me and them, as long as they're happy... Some people have managed to make their own way out of my life little by little. I get angry at myself at times because I try to be the best friend I can be to those around me, and when it's not reciprocated I get hurt and upset. But, it's through my own fault.

This past year has been rough for my family and I. We've had our ups and downs, some of which we're still struggling with but they have gone above and beyond to prove that they are there to support and protect us to the fullest extent. Even though I am super glad to see 2012 go, that was the one bright spot for me. The lowest of the low, brought out the truest of the true.